First off know that your letter really touched me and that my heart goes out to you. I decided to respond to your letter confidentially since it was of such a personal nature. I don't have enough of the details though, or the professional training, to offer you specific advice. But what I can tell you is that you should definitely seek a new counsellor who is equipped to give you the guidance you need. I realize that losing your previous counsellor was a very difficult hurdle in your recovery but it is so important that you find someone new to help you continue the work necessary for your well being—work that you have already begun. I don't know that placing an ad to find the human contact you crave is the best solution, a qualified professional would be much better suited to guide you in the healthiest manner.
Speak to your family doctor about a referral, take advantage of the support call centers to point you in the right direction, make every effort to reach professional help. However, the fact that you wrote this letter and that you have sought contact through personal ads tells me that you are genuinely seeking a path to a more fulfilling life so I have every confidence that you will be successful once you find someone qualified to assist you in dealing with your current state. You're so right that our society (in general) has a real problem with intimacy, but you are not the only one seeking to connect and I truly hope that you continue to move forward and—with the proper support and tools—get to the place you deserve to be.
Help Half-Baked!!!
I have a close friend who recently brought a new friend of her's into our social circle. We're a close knit group who have been hanging out for a few years now and we thought this new addition might provide a breath of fresh air. Well, we were wrong. We loath her! We hate her so much and I'm fairly sure that if you ever met her you would hate her as well. The problem is that we aren't sure how to deal with this awful, conceited, self-absorbed, loud, in-your-face *#$^%& without offending our common friend.
No matter what anyone is talking about, she has a story to tell that is so much more important, important enough to interrupt. And most of the time these "stories" are ridiculously larger than life and pretty hard to swallow. Apparently they have only known each other a short time so we aren't sure how close they have become and we don't want to create an uncomfortable situation for someone we all care about. Please put your thinking cap on and help us out of this miserable situation. We have actually joked about all going our separate ways just to avoid having to be in the same room as her ever again.
—Signed, a group of really nice people who have recently discovered hate |
Remember the good old days when all you had to do was point a finger and yell "witch, witch" and she would be carted away and thrown in the sea? Nowadays we're expected to be thoughtful and patient with ignorant people. I actually understand where you're coming from. I too have a friend of a friend who I can barely tolerate. I'm not saying I wish them ill, but if they happened to get hit by a bus I would probably take that bus out for a drink. The best way to handle this is to just look at this person as one of those over-the-top television characters who we all love to hate simply because they're so damn annoying. You and your friends can start to view this person as the one who makes the rest of you look better, and think about how much closer you and your real friends will become by sharing in the common dislike. Besides, if they haven't known each other all that long there's a good chance that your common friend has already changed her opinion and shares your frustration, perhaps is even embarrassed for having brought this little ray of sunshine into your group. I'm sure that in time you'll all be asking "remember that stupid *#$^%&?" and having a laugh.
Dear HBA,
I have just gotten home from a lovely week in Maine with 3 girlfriends. We all had a great time but there was a disturbing incident in Kennebuckport and I need some advice on how to handle a similar situation in case it every happens again. A woman was walking her lovely black lab across the street from us and he was trying to sniff everything he could along the way—a natural habit. She kept tugging at him—which is probably her natural habit. When he did not respond to her and kept up with what he was doing, she took the dog's leather leash and smacked his haunches several times. We—the four female friends—were flabbergasted! I shouted, "Hey!" Another woman asked loudly what the dog owner thought she was doing by hitting an animal. And yet another commented on how mean the dog owner was, to which I responded very loudly, "She's not mean, she's a bitch!" The dog owner did not react to any of this and we cannot even be sure that she heard us. Although I said some very nasty, though clever, things about this dog owner as she walked away from us, it did not help the dog and it did not make any of us feel any better. We could have run after her and made a point of embarrassing her but then what? How is a situation like this best handled and what does one actually say because I do know that insulting someone is not going to accomplish anything.
—Signed, Loud-Mouthed Dog Lover |
Believe me, I truly appreciate the value in nasty, though clever, remarks. However, the next time you are in Kennebuckport with 3 girlfriends on a lovely week in Maine, this may not be the best route to go. I totally understand your need to address the woman's behaviour, and in the heat of the moment I don't know if I would have reacted any differently. But on reflection, I realize that there is the fear that the woman would only take out her embarrassment on the dog creating an even sadder situation. I think—and again this is not necessarily what I would have done but rather what I would like to believe I would have done—I would try to engage the woman by saying something like, "you know what worked with my dog?..." or "wow, he's quite the sniffer" just to be better able to assess the woman's demeanour.
Sometimes people react in aggressive ways because they just don't know how to deal with an uncomfortable situation. By engaging her, you may have been able to determine if she was having a horrible day and was quite aware that she was taking it out on her dog (and regretted her behaviour), or if she was, indeed, a dangerous bitch. It's a tricky one because abuse is a learned behaviour so what's going on in her life or in her past that makes her treat her dog so poorly? At the same time, it's hard not to step in when witnessing an abuse, especially since we live in a world where most other people would just turn their head and ignore a situation that really does call for some intervention. I mean, if we don't step in, who will? I think that calling the authorities or the local animal rescue society would be the best move. They have the knowledge of the law on their side and the tools to deal with this type of unfortunate situation. If the woman had been previously reported it may have given them enough leeway to intervene on the pets behalf—or at the very least—they could advise you of your options based on that particular jurisdiction.
Hello,
I was at skool when I found out half the skool knows my locker combination and my best friend, now dirt to me, says she did not do it. Even though I found my missing iPod in her locker and my new cell phone. What is your advice, shave her head for my new charity? Revenge is sweet. Sorry, I just miss her as a friend. Should I forget and forgive or jest move on with her boyfriend?
—Betrayed |
Here's what I think. You should be thanking your friend for teaching you a lesson that will prove valuable in the years to come. Letting someone in on a secret, whether it be your locker combination or where you buried the body, places them in an awkward position. They might let something slip to a third party, not even realizing that they have done so, and the third party could cause problems which you would then blame on your friend. Or who knows, they might talk in their sleep. Or crack under the pressure of keeping a deep dark secret. Telling something to someone that you should probably keep to yourself is no favour to them. It's a time bomb, although in this case a very small one. So let bygones be bygones, chalk it up to a lesson learned and just get on with your friendship. In time you guys will probably forget this kerfuffle ever happened.
On another note, what were you doing in her locker when you found your iPod? Looking for evidence is not a good enough excuse for abusing her trust and snooping through her stuff. I think you guys need to share a mutual apology and then get back to being buds.
And on a third note, instead of spending valuable school time on stuff that doesn't really matter, use the time to learn to spell. Seriously, one day you'll realize that paying attention in school really does pay off.
Want more advice? Check out Half-Baked's previous articles:
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