I'm confused. Good friends, a lesbian couple, recently split up and went their separate ways. However, since then I have not seen one without the other. Are they really broken up or is this just some desperate cry for attention?
What you have to understand is that you, not being a lesbian, just don't get how they work. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus and gay men are from Uranus (which they're always trying to get back to) then where the hell are lesbians from? Earth, good old Mother Earth. Admit it, lesbians are pretty down to earth. They're a completely different species, some would say the most evolved which makes sense since they've been here all along, way before we all decided to migrate to this planet. So let me explain the steps involved in the development and eventual erosion of straight, gay male and lesbian relationships.
Straight:
Step 1 - Meet
Step 2 - If all friends agree (cause straight people can't make such big decisions on their own), date.
Step 3 - Form a relationship.
Step 4 - Become intimate.
Step 5 - Run screaming from each other if it doesn't end up happily ever after. Throw their belongings out into the front yard. An inch of distance from someone who knows you intimately scares the hell out of straight folk so that inch becomes a mile pretty quick.
Step 6 - Never speak again. Complain about your ex every time their name is brought up. Hate each other.
Gay Male:
Step 1 - Become intimate.
Step 2 - If step one worked for both of you, go ahead and introduce yourselves.
Step 3 - Continue to be intimate until one day you realize that you are actually in a relationship.
Step 4 - Continue in the relationship until one of you thinks you can do better.
Step 5 - Break up but continue having sex until one of you meets someone new.
Step 6 - Generally stay on good terms (essential in a small, tightly entwined, incestuously fun community) except when you're (inevitably) both competing for the same guy down the road.
Lesbian:
Step 1 - Meet.
Step 2 - Move in together.
Step 3 - Become intimate.
Step 4 - Unite into one single entity until it is difficult for your friends and family to tell you apart.
Step 5 - If it looks like things are not going to last, help each other find new apartments.
Step 6 - Break up and, voila, you have a new best friend.
Unlike the rest of us, the lesbians value the fact that they formed such a bonding relationship and treasure it even if they don't end up spending the rest of their lives together. Straight people in the same situation are angry they ever got close, if it didn't work out then it was a huge waste of time and now they have to start all over again, a little more bitter each time. Lesbians do not see the ending of a relationship as a failure, but as an opportunity to take what they have learned about themselves and apply it the next time round. They usually stay on good terms and sometimes even rely on exes to give them a good reference (wink, wink). So give your lesbian friends a break. They give us something to strive for when our own relationships go awry. Beside, at least now you can tell them apart.
What makes your advice column so great? Haven't all of the questions been answered already? Why have you chosen this pathetic excuse for "journalism" a thousands years past it's best-before-date? We already have all the answers!
If you already know all the answers, why bother writing? Hmmm. You're a curious one, so filled with anger. My (half-baked) advice column isn't great, not with letters from people like you. But hopefully intelligent folks will write in after reading your letter which I only ran because I haven't heard from the previously mentioned intelligent folks yet. So to all you real people with real questions send them in. Sure the advice column format has been done to death, but there are still questions to be answered. Ann Landers went to the grave without ever having decisively told us the correct way the toilet paper is suppose to roll (I'm a top man myself). Let's face it, we live in a different world, with different rules and sometimes we all need some (half-baked) guidance. And now I'm going to go get completely baked. Til next time...
(I mean, I'll be completely baked until next time).
Do you have a question you'd like Half-Baked to give you some advice on? Email Half-Baked at: feedback@newtowncrier.ca
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