Dear Half-Baked,

I have a friend who may be in serious trouble and I am not sure how to proceed. In her (let's call her Vivian) teenage years, she was best friends with—or girlfriend of—a young man who was not playing for her team but was so far in the closet that he had not seen sunlight for 8 years. When he 'came out,' which happened abruptly, Vivian took it in stride, and proceeded with their friendship as if nothing had happened. Jump ahead twenty years. I recently caught Vivian, who has been married for a decade and a half to the same man, wearing some of her old beau's clothes. She says that when they eventually went their separate ways, she stole one of his sweaters. Apparently, Vivian wears this ratty old yellowish orange thing whenever she is feeling blue or lonely or misunderstood or happy or sad or.... all the time... even to bed. Is she living in the past? Is her marriage in trouble? Does she realize her old beau is actually gay? Did she buy into all that crap their parents used to spew about what lovely children they would have one day when they grew up (actually, her real children are quite cute)? Does she wish her husband was gay?

—Signed, Friend of an Intense Red-headed Chick

Okay Friend,

So she has been married for 15 years and knew this guy back in her teenage years which was about 20 years ago. We're talking about the eighties, right? If so, do her a favour and burn that sweater. In my opinion nothing from the eighties should be preserved. Although I will make one exception, people can keep the kids they had during that forgettable decade only because it wouldn't be fair to dump them into society's lap. Seriously though, burn it! Are you still in contact with this old flame? If so, see if he can send her a replacement piece of clothing, something that doesn't date back to any time before 1990. Explain to her that it's time to upgrade her souvenir wardrobe. Besides, it's yellowish/orange and she wears it when she's blue, which sounds like an awful colour combination.

I don't think her marriage is in trouble or that she wishes her husband is gay, but I do think she is presuming that because the sweater once belonged to a gay man that it must be cutting-edge fashion. This is one of the biggest myths concerning gay men. Close your eyes and picture Siegfried and Roy's ensembles, Clay Aiken's hair, Spongebob's square pants, Tinky Winky's upside-down-hanger-headwear, or anything Michael Jackson (I know, I know, not all pedophiles are gay, but to be honest, he was never accused of molesting any little girls) wore. So get in touch with her ex and see what he can send her from this millennium, although it may not be as fashionable as she might think.

Hey HB,

Hey HB, I need your expert advice. I've always considered myself to be a gay man, probably due to all of the men I have had sex with, but after this year's Pride Day celebration I am having doubts. I went to the parade and ended up at the Fisherman's Wharf festivities but felt completely out of place the entire time. I had to work the next day so the beer garden didn't seem like an option. The only other alternative was to sit on the parched (and itchy) grass and listen to middle-aged performers play a bunch of bad music from before I was born. Am I gay? Why can't I get into the Pride Day groove?

—Signed, Why Can't I Fit In

Oh WCIFI,

I truly wish I had spotted you wandering around trying to find a place to belong, we could have hung out together. I too went down to the fair and had a less than exciting time. First of all, parades are not my thing, too many opportunities for a rogue clown to strike. However I thought I would give the fair a try. I too stayed away from the beer garden, I mean, I'm not really into the bar scene whether it's indoors or out. So I sat in the field and listened to the music for as long as I could. I finally gave up when they sang "Play that funky music white boy." I hoped they would stop but apparently they were determined to "play that funky music till we die" so I wandered away. Now, to be fair, thousands of folks really enjoy that scene so I don't want to knock it too much but it just ain't me.

Now, let's look at what we can do to reaffirm your sense of belonging to the gay community at large. Instead of complaining about what you don't enjoy about Pride Week, let's see if we can find something that you might actually like. The good folks of the Victoria Pride Society recognize that the parade and all of the hoopla surrounding it does not appeal to every gay person. Let's face it, the whole thing is about celebrating diversity, and a diverse group of people have diverse tastes. This is why the Pride Festival is but one of the many events that the Pride Society schedules for Pride week. There is everything from the Big Gay Dog Walk to the Pink Whale Watching Tour, from the GLBT Business Network Group meeting to the Inner Harbour Boat Cruise. I have been attending the Marcus Tipton Memorial Drag Ball Game for so long I remember when it was just the Drag Ball Game and Marcus was still with us. Every year I give the festival a try, every year I realize that it's just not my cup of tea. Then again, every year I go to the Drag Ball and have a great time. So next year, find the event that suits you. If it's the Drag Ball, bring a blanket, bring your dog, bring some friends and I'll see you there.

Dear Half-Baked,

A have a female friend who has been single (no action whatsoever) for over 10 years now. She "says" she wants to get out and meet someone. She says having a relationship is important to her. The problem is that she never ever does anything about it. She's been to therapy and examined her feelings etc. but again, no action. It would seem she's terrified. I've offered to help (going to clubs with her, taking a course with her, helping her put a profile on line, etc.) but she refuses all offers. If she told me she didn't care, that she was happy being single, I wouldn't give it another thought. There's nothing wrong with being permanently single, after all. Instead she continues to deceive herself. So what do I say to her the next time she brings it up and I don't want to play anymore?

—Frustrated Friend

So let's get this straight, FF.

A friend cries on your shoulder, she won't take your advice (giving you the chance to be the hero), so you don't want to play anymore? Sounds a bit selfish. Usually when someone laments, our job is to listen, allowing them the chance to get something off their chest. What would you do if they were moaning about their mother being diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You don't have the cure so you just stop listening? Maybe I'm being too hard on you, it sounds like your heart is in the right place but maybe you friend is just trying to vocalize her frustration without expecting you to provide a quick fix. Perhaps she is completely happy being alone but feels the pressure to conform and find a mate to meet society's expectations. Perhaps she really wants to find a partner but doesn't want to involve you because she feels that you may not approve of what she is really looking for. Perhaps she's trying to tell you that it's you she wants. I suggest sitting her down and explaining that you are committed to helping her in any way that she sees fit, but that you are also willing to sit back, without offering any advice, and simply listen when she needs to vent.

Hey Half-Baked,

I love the New Town Crier and read every issue from end to end. However there is one thing that I'm confused about. It has to do with Grumpelope. Is it pronounced Grum-pa-lope (like cantaloupe) or Grum-pel-opy like Penelope? Is Grumpelope a boy or a girl (or a little of both)? Some of the other characters wear ties or other leading signs but Grumpelope seems to be nude most of the time. The love interest seems like a girl but that doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot.

—Help me, I Need To Know

Hey INTK,

Your question has made me realize how many times I could have unintentionally put my foot in my mouth. Here at the NTC offices, we all just use nicknames so whenever I run into Grumpelope, in the lunch room for example, I always just say "hey Grump, how's it going?" So now I realize that I have never fully said his/her name out loud and you have me all worried that one day I will blurt out the wrong name and it will just be uncomfortable for everyone. Thanks a lot!.

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