The Struggle

Recently, someone I care about incredibly said, 'you struggle too much.'' Although it appeared to be isolated to a specific situation, I took it to heart. Could it be true that I struggle too much?

I struggle to stay healthy, to live up to my own standards, to maintain personal integrity, to be unique, to identify and mark my boundaries, to be a good sister/daughter/aunty, to be a dedicated, and dynamic worker, to be a good friend/girlfriend/lover, to be a stylish woman/feminine woman/feminist, to hold on to my childhood, to be an adult, to be non-judgemental, to be open-minded, to be mindful/peaceful/authentic, to be careful, to take risks, to be independent, to let love in, to love, to not love too much, to be loved, to stay in the present, to not forget the past, to plan for the future, to forgive, to be kind to myself, to let my guilt tell me when I'm wrong, to think of others, to be selfish, to nurture my loved ones, to ask for help, to be self-sufficient, to allow myself to be angry, to be happy. Amid all these struggles (and believe me, they are all struggles at times)—as I look at them in a cluster for the first time—I see massive discrepancies. What frightens me when I see them together is that they are all INTERNAL. How can I ever be at peace with this mountain of fight inside of me? This is the stuff disease is made of.

If I can become peaceful on the inside, I will exude peace around me. I think sometimes that I am a naturally peaceful woman, but then I meet someone who is: a gentle, but strong spirit with no signs of internal struggle. I know it is self-acceptance and authenticity that will bring this aura to light within me. Every time I think I've gotten to the quiet, peaceful place inside of me, I find another hurt; another struggle. There are many layers to self-discovery which lead to self-acceptance, but I have to admit that layer after layer after layer, I am getting tired and frustrated. I feel angry and a little bitter when I think of all the work I do on myself when no one around me seems to be thinking about their inner peace whatsoever. I want to go back to the place where I can blame someone else for my mistakes, for my pain, my inadequacies. But no, there's no going back (it's already out there).

I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to know myself better and so be more accountable for my reactions to events, but it is bittersweet. When there is no one to blame but myself, I feel a deep loneliness. But, spring is on its way and the longer, warmer days usually bring me a brighter reflection of myself and my journey. Maybe I'll pick a few items from this list to work on, tick off the ones that are already so much a part of me that I don't have to fight for them anymore, and just let the others lie for awhile. If I don't struggle, it doesn't have to mean I am giving in, maybe it can just mean that I'm going to lie back and go with the flow until the snow melts.