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Hi HB,

I love the NTC but I'm having a bit of trouble understanding "Celebrity Tool." When I first discovered you guys some of the columns grabbed me right off the bat while others required me to open up my mind to the abstract. Eventually I grew to "get" Grumpelope and all of his/her trials and tribulations (is it true that he/she has left the New Town Crier for greener pastures and will be appearing in his own big-studio blockbuster film this summer?). I even developed an understanding of what the hell wndrswy is talking about, not the easiest individual to comprehend but after reading each article a half dozen times the light bulb goes on and you say to yourself "oh, he's mental". I don't often relate to whatever it is he is saying but I have to admit his taste in music has vastly broadened my horizons. But Celebrity Tool just doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Let's deconstruct last month's offering. A man (Jason Statham???) is in bed with a someone (a woman-ish like creature) reading Men's Health. What the what?!!? Is there something I'm just not getting here? In December issue, we had Stephen Harper in pearls. Is there any purpose behind this new edition to the NTC? Is someone just showing off their drawing skills and I'm looking for relevance that simply doesn't exist? I'm terrified that this Celebrity Tool thing will take off and that everyone around the water cooler will be praising it as brilliant satire and I will have to agree, then walk away feeling like an idiot for not getting it. Am I missing something.

—Perplexed

Oh Perplexed,

Confession time. I don't get it either. I think you're right about the guy being Jason Statham. Nobody else has that permanent five o'clock shadow look except perhaps Homer Simpson and Fred Flintstone (imagine if THEY had a baby??). It doesn't seem to make much sense but then again maybe it will in time and we'll be slapping our foreheads and saying "Ohhhh, I get it". Although I have to say that I think Jason Statham could do better then that bed mate of his (is it Michael Hutchence? Tiny Tim??). And of all the people I have ever thought about giving a pearl necklace to Stephen Harper was never on the list, it kind of makes me feel icky inside. I can certainly appreciate the artistic nature and work involved in the creation of Celebrity Tool, I just have difficulty finding the "meaning". Any other thoughts on "Celebrity Tool" out there?

I too have benefited from wndrswy's musical knowledge. I cannot think of any one of his suggestions/recommendations/references that missed the mark. He has opened my ears to so much new music and brought a new found relevance to lots of pre-existing material. Now let's deal with the gossipy side of your letter. Grumpelope has not been seen in a while, and is sorely missed. I too have heard the rumours about the big screen Hollywood movie starring Grump. On the other hand I have also heard, from some of my seedier contacts, that Grumpelope lost his/her cushy office job in the throes of this global economic crises and has been spotted turning tricks to support his/her "cookie" habit. I shall keep my eyes and ears open for any Grumpelope news, and in the meantime if any of you happen upon any clues as to his/her whereabouts please write in to share your thoughts.

Dear Half Baked,

I'm not sure if I need advice or just have something to get off my chest. While walking my dog the other day we encountered four other dog with their owners. Each one was off leash in non-off leash designated zones. The first three didn't pose a problem but the fourth dog had darted into traffic and only missed being hit by on-coming traffic when it saw my dog, veered from the road, and came barrelling down on us teeth gnashing and hackles raised. Why do some dog owners think that the rules simply do not apply to them? Do they not have any regard for other dog walkers or people who may not be comfortable around dogs or for the bad name they are giving the rest of us law abiding citizens? What's your take on this?

—Thanks, Fido's Daddy

I KNOW!! I tell ya Fido's Daddy, it drives me crazy too.

I walk my dog daily and I cannot tell you how many times we have come across dog owners who think the world was created simply for them. My pup and I often walk the West Bay Walkway which is loaded with blind twists and turns as it runs the course of the coastline. I often see people who's dogs ahead or behind them just enough to be completely out of their owner's field of vision. I have witnessed dogs tripped over by joggers zipping around the bends, I have seen dog-cautious people (those not canine affiliated) flinch as an unknown animal comes rushing at them. The city has gone the extra mile to provide a variety of beautiful and accessible off-leash areas so there really is no excuse. Unfortunately there does not seem to be enough city staff to monitor the situation and these scofflaws know it. The best we can do is set a better example and stick to the rules to try and polish up our tarnished image as responsible canine companions.

Hey Half,

Gotta say I love the New Town Crier.  How do I get to write for the best on-line mag in town?  Are you a tough group to get in with?  Did you all know each other before you started writing together?  Were you old school chums?  Inmates at the same mental facility?  How do I get in? 

—Yours truly, A Writer Waiting To Happen

Well AWWTH,

The truth is not any of us NTC slaves have ever met. Our editor Kiki (Freaky) Brewster had met each of us at different bars around the city, struck up a conversation and before you could say GHB we were each locked away in cells at an undisclosed location. We write because there is nothing else to do while in captivity, and the cattle prods provide just enough motivation. So if you do indeed still want to write for the New Town Crier just hang out in seedy bars and be open to chatting with whoever approaches you and maybe one day....

Seriously, just submit something whether it's a sample for a column you'd like to write or just a stand alone piece and perhaps you too will achieve the fame that we have come to enjoy.

It appears, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears that the majority of people educate themselves via Hollywood entertainment. There's television shows that break ground by having a lesbian kissing scene (played by straight actors), soap operas that now incorporate same-sex relationships, the L-Word (oh what that show has done to me), and movies galore that tackle the tough topics.

The movie of the moment, the movie that is sparking a fire beneath me is Milk. This is a movie that is and of itself so important. I saw it and was spellbound, not so much by the actors, but by the story and its timeline. Are you seriously telling me that the gay-rights movement is really that young? Get out!

So, if people get their education via Sean Penn then god bless him, and god bless Portia and Ellen for turning the spotlight on gay marriage. And the L-Word, bless those girls for debunking the sensible shoe lesbian lore.

Is there a question here, or just a rant? Well, seeing as it's an advice column I suppose I should get to my question.

Question: When will the masses stop hiding behind bible fables and misguided lobbyists and start recognizing that human rights apply to all? And that all includes people of all races, ethnicities, genders and sexual preference. Does education have to rely on Hollywood actors, or is there a way for the 'little people' to create awareness?

Half-Baked, can you help a girl out here? How can one girl, so far from Hollywood, make a difference?

Milk and Honey

The entertainment biz has always been at the forefront when it comes to educating the masses, for the good of humankind as well as the bad. Personally I was shocked that so many people had to learn about Harvey Milk from Hollywood. I presumed that his story was common knowledge if not for his courageous stand then at least for the bizarre twist of the infamous Twinkie Defense. It's strange that with so much information readily available nobody seems to take the time to look anything up, even in the age of the Internet, but instead waits until someone makes it into a movie. Some people still think Stonewall was about, well, a stone wall. We're all guilty of this as we tend to be a lazy lot. You even admit yourself that "the movie that is sparking a fire beneath me is Milk". If it takes a movie to make you sit up and take note of such an historic figure then what expectation can we place on your average Joe? We can all do our part to promote these artistic and relevant portrayals that help to educate by simply spreading the word and getting conversation flowing. It may seem like an up-hill battle but remember that Hollywood has been around for less than 100 years while the Bible has been spreading folklore as fact for millennia.

Half-Baked

You know so much.  Why is the sky blue? 

You know it wasn't always this way.  There was a period where the sky wasn't so blue but then it stopped taking its meds.

 

For the best advice around—or just to talk—email Half-Baked at: halfbaked@newtowncrier.ca


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