The Office Holiday Function

There’s a simple recipe for office fantasy: raw desire and drunken inhibition.

Speaking from experience here, it appears the power of the double cosmopolitan martini is the stuff office legends are made of. The girl on girl action can hit marathon stride after a few of these babies are tossed down the esophageal runway. Before you know its happened, the vodka-to-blood ratio gets skewed and the desire to “take those old records off the shelf” can no longer be ignored. Seger booms from the DJ’s speakers and the urge to kiss girls hits you head on. Yes, I admit, this is me I’m speaking of, annual holiday office function number 9. I have succumbed to the love potion of 80’s rock music and vodka; finding myself knocked out by “American thighs” (I prefer Canadian, but mocking ACDC would be sacrilege) and kissing the hot copy girl with the kick-ass shoe collection. I have enjoyed every spectacular moment and I have woken the next morning to feel excited, awkward, and a little intrigued.

Let me explain the gamut of emotion. Excitement is obvious. To find that girls' lips are so soft to kiss they can become addictive and knowing that there’s an element of exhibitionism to your act (because after all, this is an office function and all eyes are now glued to the drunken swaying, lip-locked spectacle) is beyond exciting. Giving the suburban marrieds something to talk about is a holiday charitable act. Who knows, maybe the show will provide fantasy for some old married couple to run the bases and strike a home run.

Awkwardness isn’t felt until later, more towards the end of the night; a sobering after cocktail mint. So I’ll save that for the end.

Let’s tackle intrigue. Intrigue is the emotion that’ll get you wandering places you may not belong. It’s funny how intrigue is catching because the hot copy girl is also intrigued, her high heels poised for adventure. I certainly do know how to pick ‘em. So, with no one being the voice of reason, we let intrigue take us by the hand and we sway, grope, smile, giggle, and kiss. As long as the vodka is poured, as long as the DJ spins, and as long as the dresses are short, this voyage of intrigue knows no bounds.

Here’s where the fantasy gets muddied. The DJ stops spinning but the room keeps spinning. This combination brings the office holiday function fantasy to a lurching halt. This is where awkwardness steps in. The ugly lights are on, the sound of silence deafens, and I am now face to face rather than lip to lip with the hot copy girl with the kick-ass shoe collection. An uncomfortable moment: eyes gaze toward the floor, arms are removed from waists, dresses are smoothed and mouths wiped. Left with the unspoken question, “how will we face each other at the water cooler on Monday?”, we break away and try and make a graceful dismount.

The holidays are filled with many moments of ponder. Maybe the one Christmas wish uninhibited party goers should ask Santa for is the ability to say when? Or, should we just embrace our holiday wild side and let our jingle bells ring?