New Town Crier | Half-Baked Advice

Hey Half,

What do you have against animated spokes figures? (Half Baked Advice, February 2009) I agree that the burger shilling clown is as evil as can be but I don't think you can paint all of the cartoony mouthpieces with the same brush. What about Smokey the Bear? According to your philosophy we shouldn't believe that "only you can prevent forest fires." Granted, there are many negative influences bombarding us with corporate lies but there are also more positive characters then you might first think. Woodsy Owl's "give a hoot, don't pollute" had a huge impact on my development as an environmentally minded individual which helped balance out the Snap, Crackle and Pop campaign of mis-information. The list goes on. Due to of the collective influence of these unsung heroes I know for a fact that I can "take a bite out of crime."

—Signed, Easily Influenced

Wow, someone with even more time on their hands than me. Sorry for such a broad generalization in my previous criticism of animated spokespeople. You're right. In amongst the Tony the Tigers (fuck you Tony, they're not GRRRRReat) and Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (I'm cuckoo for capitalism) of the advertising world there have been a handful of decent folk trying to steer us in the right direction. Even though some of the corporate mascots seemed benign (Snuggle Bear or Uncle Ben ) I really don't get the celebration of criminals (the Ham-Burgler, Frito Bandito and that home wrecking Kool Aid man) to sell crap we don't need. Even the beloved Snoopy sold out for a discount on his Met-Life insurance. I do have to admit a strange childhood crush on both the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean but it didn't make up for the fact that Boo-Berry scared the shit out of me. So I would like to offer a formal apology to McGruff the Crime Dog, Smokey the Bear, Woodsy Owl, Captain Condom and Vince and Larry, the Crash Test Dummies (a lovelier couple you will never meet).

Dear Readers,

It seems like everybody and their dog has an opinion on the whereabouts of Grumpelope. Here are just a few of the favorites that were sent in. Some are funny, some are sad and some are, well, you be the judge.

Grumpelope has been selected as the new lead singer for INXS, but he had to sign a non-autoerotic asphyxiation clause.
Grumpelope now resides in what used to be called Beacon Hill Park (now commonly referred to as Toilet to the Homeless).
Grumpelope can be seen in the latest Girls Gone Wild Video: Spring Break Comes to Victoria.
Grumpelope died years ago and they have been using a cloned stand-in to avoid the scandal.
Grumpelope did get laid off but refuses to leave the building and has been living in the basement for the past few months.
Grumpelope's skeletal remains were recently found in the back of a truck in Vic West.
Grumpelope has been in hiding since the last Canadian Federal Election and refuses to come out until the next one. So we'll be seeing him any month now. And a few months after that. And a few months after that. And a few months after that. And a few months after that. And ...
Grumpelope has gone into hiding ever since David Carradine's mysterious demise.

Hey Half Baked,

I am so pissed off with the proposed Mega Yacht Marina that's in the works. Why should people with floating apartment buildings be allowed to clutter up our harbour and take away the view from us landlubbers? What can I do?

—Signed, Pissed at Mega Yachts

Hey Pamy

Taken you this long to write, huh? This proposal has been an issue for months now, but luckily, unlike you, some folks were (and still are) doing something about it. Save Victoria Harbour has been successful in gathering over 7000 names on a petition (mine being one of those signatures, btw). This dedicated group have already presented the petition to all three levels of government involved. Mayor Fortin has accepted his copy on behalf of the city, Maurine Karagianis (MLA, Esquimalt-Royal Roads) will be presenting it to the provincial legislature which reconvenes in August and, on a federal level, Denise Savioe (MP, Victoria) will be delivering the petition to Parliament. Now, even though you missed the petition phase there is still lots you can do.

Step One: Check out the web site for Save Victoria Harbour (www.savevictoriaharbour.com). It's loaded with information so you'll be completely equipped to debate the issue with silly folks who like big boats. Also, make sure to read all of the opinions and feedback. Realizing just how many people share your concerns is sure to empower you and you'll be more likely to follow through on the next step.

Step Two: On the web site you will find information on who the players are in this game so you can write letters directly to them. Petitions are a wonderful tool and have proven to be a successful avenue in taking the views of individuals to the decision makers. Now let's imagine when each person who signed on the dotted line takes a few minutes to express their own perspective on the issue in writing. That would be 7000 actual letters using 7000 stamps in 7000 individual envelopes. Add you to that list and we're up to 7001.

Whether this campaign scuttles the developers plans or not remains to be seen but fear not, you can still make your voice heard and if you tell two friends, and they tell two friends , and...

Riddle me this, H.B.

I hate my job. So tell me, what's a person with a brain to do? I can't just quit, but I can't keep going either. Any advice for a sober cat like me?

—Awake and Dreaming

I hear ya, A&D.

Being stuck in a job that provides little satisfaction is not only depressing but can also lead to a general dissatisfaction with other aspects of your life. So you gotta do something but quitting isn't an option, especially when everybody seems to be losing their jobs these days. Stick with your job for the time being and come up with a plan. I'm really big on plans. I think you should sit down and make a list of the things you DO like about your job (even if it's a short list). Then jot down the reasons you took the job in the first place (opportunity, convenience, needed to buy food). Now keep writing.

What direction did you once think this job might take you in? What can you take from this job into your next employment situation? What connections have you made where you are now, that you can use as a springboard to where you want to be? (You send me one question and I fire a bunch back at you). Now put all of those thoughts together and come up with that all important plan to get to where you need to be.

Hey Half,

Something in this mornings paper really ticked me off. Our provincial government has just scrapped a program that helps disabled children and kids from families on income assistance go to summer camp. Sure times are tough, but a program that subsidizes camp fees for kids!!! Especially when we're not talking about a huge amount of taxpayers money ($360,000 in 2008). That's nothing in comparison to what politicians will toss out the window (and into their own pockets). Considering our current economic state, more families are relying on this kind of support then ever. Who gave these selfish bastards the right to do this? I can't believe I voted for them again.

Thanks,
WontSomeoneThinkOfTheChildren

Um, who gave them the right? You sure you want me to answer this? YOU DID! When you voted for them. This government, over the last few years, has cut everything that wasn't in their own best interest and yet we (by we I mean you and your kind) have swung open the doors to welcome them back in. (thank you Sir, may I have another). This is certainly a shame but I'm sorry, on this one you really don't have the right to be surprised, or offended, or to even have an opinion.

Half Baked,

Not really a question, just want to get your spin on something. Are we really going to allow a Guerilla Needle Exchange program to exist in violation of the policy that protects our children by prohibiting the distribution of needles near schools? What kind of madness is this where the rights of junkies outweigh the safety of our kids! Am I Wrong?

OK, wrong! Statistically, needle exchange programs have proven successful in limiting the number of new HIV and Hep infections. However the actions of Harm Reduction Victoria, in blatant disregard for the standing policy and the opinions of the general public, are so out of line that I think they will end up doing more harm then good in the long run. Would I like to see a fixed needle exchange site? Sure. Would I ever endorse the distribution of needles across the street from a school or day care? Hell no! The Needle Exchange Advisory Committee, a group of representatives from AIDS Vancouver Island, the police, community groups and the Vancouver Island Health Authority created this policy for good reason. We have a responsibility as a society to ensure that children are not exposed to potential harm, and after seeing first hand the conditions under which the previous fixed needle exchange program operated, I am shocked that this group has the nerve to present itself as having a positive impact on our city. Their hearts may be in the right place but I can't shake the feeling that Kim Toombs and her pals don't give a damn how we feel as a society, and they may end up losing more support than they gain.

For the best advice around—or just to talk—email Half-Baked at: halfbaked@newtowncrier.ca