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Confessions Of...

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A Sexual Evangelist...

So I'm sitting on my porch this morning, quietly enjoying a cigarette and the cool slightly dreary weather. The Jehovah's Witnesses are on the loose on my block. I watch them chat up my neighbour as he walks his dog. Lucky me, I'm next on their to-do list. There's something about the modern missionary that stirs the naughty imp inside me. I enjoy opening the door to the Good Lord's representatives in my most fetching Liz Taylor lingerie with a smoke in one hand and a drink in the other. I always assure them in sweet and diplomatic tones that my immortal soul is just fine and that I like my faith like I like my martinis—shaken, not stirred.

This morning I was trapped, pyjama-clad, by the smoke in my hand and simple politeness would have to do. I don't normally take these folks up on their offers of choice reading material but today Watchtower features an article on quitting smoking which the lovely Glenda was kind enough to point out. The after-life is one thing but I would really like to enjoy my during-life as long as possible and if God wants to help me quit smoking he's more than welcome. Quitting sucks and I need all the help I can get. I took the pamphlet, thanked them and wished them luck on their travels.

Let us begin. "You have a 'friend' you met in your mouth." Now, I'm a randy gal with a dirty mind and I can think of a few 'friends' I met in my mouth. A little time spent on one's knees in worship is good for the constitution. The church of the body is one I like to revel in, throwing my hands in the hair hollering Hallelujah. It's a good church with a small congregation and you can pray alone or with friends. You can celebrate the spirit wherever and whenever you see fit. 10am at the gym, 2am on the kitchen floor. If the spirit moves you, the doors are always open. Can I get an Amen?

Alright, I know some of you are rolling your eyes thinking that sexualizing the divine and sacred may very well get me a one-way ticket to eternal damnation... do not pass go, do not collect $200. But really, come on. It doesn't get any more holy than this and God is the ultimate voyeur. If he really didn't want us to love the hell out of each other he'd have put a little more thought into our construction as a species. It's a bit of a cosmic joke when you think about it. I will give you desire and doubt, exaltation and shame. I will give you a moral compass and a whole slew of maps but due North is a different direction on every one. It's a choose-your-own-adventure novel without page numbers. I say to hell with shame and doubt. I'll take desire and exaltation thank-you very much!

And now we come to the end of my morning tale. My good friend and neighbour just stopped by for coffee and read this article as well as the Watchtower article on quitting smoking. She pointed out something that I somehow overlooked. The opening line actually reads "you have a 'friend' that you met in your youth"not in your mouth. Apparently I was so consumed with my own sexual divinity that I misread the message. Freud would have a hay-day with me. Ah well, the lord does work in mysterious ways and I stand by my words regardless. We could all use a little more divinity in our lives, wherever we find it. Be well.